Monday, March 19, 2012

Teenage *Alien* Ninja Turtles ... my childhood is gone

Dear Michael Bay,

Thank you for completely ruining the Transformers franchise by using it as an excuse to shove Shia LaBeouf and [insert attractive young girl here] on movie audiences everywhere. You demonstrated a complete lack of a basic working understanding of the Transformers, but you did blow up a lot of stuff, so there's that.

For that, I can forgive you. After all, as a man in my 30's, I still have some cherished childhood memories that have not been exploited and left for dead. I still had my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh sure, several reboots have come and gone, but those were essentially insignificant and could be easily ignored.

You were successful at removing all positive memories of Optimus Prime from my mind, but you could never take away Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo from me. Wait, you are also directing a new TMNT movie? Well, I guess you can't mess up the Turtles that much, can you? ... Can you?!?



Seriously, Michael Bay?!? I will cut you! How is it even possible that you fail to understand even the simplest of concepts when it comes to movies and franchises. You want to make the Turtles aliens, not mutants, so that kids can believe the really exists. I don't need you to help kids believe they could really exist. I just need you to get out of the way and stop ruining every last vestige of my childhood.

The Collider sums it up perfectly:
I can understand tweaking out some of the old elements. I can live with ditching the ooze that made the pet shop turtles into full-sized warriors. But the word “mutant” is in the name. The title is basically a checklist. The characters must be teenaged, mutated turtles that are skilled in martial arts. Otherwise you could change all of the elements, and may as well make them Geriatric Alien Karate Lizards.
I guess at this point, I should be happy that you had the Transformers, actually, you know, transform. I supposed you could have had some great, new imagined idea for them to be tiny robots that just helped [insert latest attractive girl] make lunch or cut her grass ... with explosions!

Haven't you ruined enough already? You, Shia LaBeouf, [random attractive girl], George Lucas and his horrible idea for an aliens Indiana Jones and everyone else that is trying to absolutely destroy every positive memory I have from being a kid can all go on a search for these real, alien turtles or crazy, crystal alien skulls and stay far away from any significant or fairly popular movie franchise and/or iconic childhood cartoon.

Sincerely,
Every person in their 20's & 30's

P.S. When is the movie coming out again? I need to buy my tickets. ... I think I hate myself more than I hate you.

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